I’m obsessed with the idea of being in love . That Romeo and Juliet shit , head over heels , butterflies when I see you , blushing for no reason …ugh that shit drives me crazy . I’m a hopeless romantic and I can’t help it . It’s the fantasy for me . I plant the seed and watch it grow . I’m already thinking about the future with that special “person” . I’m starting to realize that fantasy isn’t healthy . See when people start to show their true colors, it goes against my fantasy and I don’t like that . To be completely honest, that shit sucks . I’m sick and tired of giving my all to these “men” who don’t deserve it . The men who has never been loved and don’t know how to handle it .
I wrote this a year ago . One year ago I lost myself in a relationship that was beyond toxic . A relationship that was took a toll on my mental, emotional and physical health . I was broken , lost and most of all fucked up in the head. I distanced myself from my friends, drown myself in my work and was drinking damn near very day. Dating men that all had one thing in common ,lack of accountability. They say you attract what you give out and baby I had to took myself in the mirror and say this is enough . It was hard. I cried a lot . I love LOVE I do but if its toxic , I do not want it . I had to have a conversation with myself . What do I want ? why do I keep attracting these men ? what can I do to become a better person ? I had to be completely honest with myself and hold myself accountable for my actions . I am no perfect . I have a lot of toxic ways that I am willing to change . I know that I can be the problem , I can admit that some people can not. I had to distance myself from friends /family that are not good for my soul. I can no keep allowing people to make me feel bad for my thought or feelings . I had to also stop drinking , well limiting my drinking . So far so good. A year go I wanted to be in love so bad, now today I am in love with MYSELF more than ever. I will continue to work on myself , date myself , spend time with people that love me the way I love them . Get myself together in every way. I am taking a break from dating and sex. It feels good knowing I am detoxing myself from all that is negative . I’ve been praying more and more . My faith in god has grown so much . I will continue to push forward . I will continue to be me . I know that one day i will find my husband but until then I have some work to do and some memories to make with my own happiness.
